I started doing church reviews like the one that follows because everyone that I've met in Colorado thinks that Colorado Springs is full of religious zealots. I was curious if the churches here lived up to their reputations, so I decided to sit in and review as many as I could. The cross scoring system is a bit confusing, but just remember that five crosses in any category is the best possible score.
Building Aesthetics: t t t. Real buildings, like real men, are made of stone. First Unitarian is a grand castle-like building without the moat. Then you go inside. The inside doesn't feel like the outside. To me there should be continuity. The sanctuary feels ephemeral. Carpet is a bad choice in any situation, but especially in commercial endeavors. The beige carpet was full of stains from what my imagination suspected was from incontinent members or the blessing of the pets service. I always prefer a pew to a chair in a church setting. Churches invented the whole pew seating arrangement, and when I go, I want to sit in one. They help build that feeling of community, and the wood helps to warm the sanctuary. I did like the simple "Frank Lloyd Wright-esque" stained glass windows. They supplied a sufficient amount of light from the outside world. The focal point of the lectern was the organ, and if an alien were to attend service here, he might suspect that Unitarians actually worship this instrument.
Building Aesthetics: t t t. Real buildings, like real men, are made of stone. First Unitarian is a grand castle-like building without the moat. Then you go inside. The inside doesn't feel like the outside. To me there should be continuity. The sanctuary feels ephemeral. Carpet is a bad choice in any situation, but especially in commercial endeavors. The beige carpet was full of stains from what my imagination suspected was from incontinent members or the blessing of the pets service. I always prefer a pew to a chair in a church setting. Churches invented the whole pew seating arrangement, and when I go, I want to sit in one. They help build that feeling of community, and the wood helps to warm the sanctuary. I did like the simple "Frank Lloyd Wright-esque" stained glass windows. They supplied a sufficient amount of light from the outside world. The focal point of the lectern was the organ, and if an alien were to attend service here, he might suspect that Unitarians actually worship this instrument.
Creepy Glazed Eyes: t t t t. Unitarian churches in Colorado seem to be havens for rag-tag groups of Caucasians. This service was attended by just about every variety of white person under the sun: young, old, gay, blind, and those wearing oversized shoulder pads. People seemed thoughtful and kind though didn't radiate happiness or inner peace.
Hassled by Members: t t t t. Not one hassle here. No one made me stand up, greet my neighbor, or offered to exorcise my demons. It might have even aired on the side of too little community. Nobody tried to talk to Julie or I other than the Revered saying a brief "hello" as we exited. I appreciated that no one bothered me as I took photos of the sanctuary, but what a missed opportunity for small talk, something like, "nice camera...what the hell are you doing?" I also noted again today that knitters seem to think it's appropriate to practice their craft in any given situation, including during a church service. You'll never find a welder with such audacity.
Religious Time Management: t t t. The Reverend Mike Morran seemed like a thoughtful man, but struggled to find a good balance between conviction and humility. Today was Easter Sunday, so the service was peppered with jabs at other "less enlightened" forms of Christianity. I'd rather the Unitarians rise above this and stick to their usually self-deprecating humor like this classic: Why did the Unitarian cross the road? To support the chicken in its search for its own path. This service even had a communion-like ceremony where the congregation came up to receive jellybeans. Again, this seemed like a jab at Catholicism and their "silly traditions", and I ate my jellybean with some remorse. The service did have a good flow, though I think a prayer begs for brevity, and selfishly, today's prayer was like a mini-sermon. A long prayer is like calling God during dinner to ask if he is happy with his car insurance, mistaking his kindness for interest, and proceeding to deliver your entire rehearsed spiel to his deaf ears.
Misinformation: t t t t. Unitarians are usually pretty good about keeping their facts straight, and today's service was no exception. The Reverend did however have a joke that bombed. He was talking about what was going on in Jesus' head as he was being crucified and proceeded to imitate his pose on the cross and quipped, "ok, get on with it!" Silence. It would be tough for a room full of Saturday Night Live writers to make that sketch work. Two rules of comedy: never follow kids, and never mimic Jesus on the cross.
Presence of God: t t t. I do feel that a proper God would have a soft spot in his heart for the Unitarians. They are good, thoughtful people who care deeply about their spirituality. If God were doing the rounds here I think he might just peak his head in the door, give an approving nod, and move on. He would know that the people inside are in good hands, but not feel any desire to sit through the service. And that's the feeling I took away: I wasn't surrounded by God's presence, but this place was clearly on his radar. I was moved during an a cappella version of "The Flower Duet" (Sous le dome epais) sung by a blind girl. It was beautiful, and I think God came back for it.
Overall Inspiration (total score): t t t. I didn't grow spiritually, but I didn't shrink either. In any given week, we shrink more than we realize, so I was happy to remain spiritually neutral. I did like a few of the Revered's points, for instance, that Jesus wouldn't recognize modern Christianity and that you know you've created God in your own image when he hates the same people as you do.
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