Building Aesthetics: t. Nondenominational. It sounds good. Twenty years ago when I was looking for a little religion, "nondenominal" attracted me because it sounds like "nonconformist". I assumed that if a church wasn't tied to so much bureaucracy and tradition that they would be free to take more controversial stances. Turns out most are a haven for crazy, feeding on the weak with their over the top theatrics and animated sermons. But I've gotten ahead of myself; this is simply a ranking of building aesthetics. Living Hope is a large church that sits on a hill overlooking downtown Colorado Springs. It is its strategic position that first alerted me to the churchs' existence. The outside is fairly unusual with lots of curved flowing lines and a massive stained glass wall. The stained glass however is not utilized in the sanctuary, but rather in the entry foyer. Weird choice. The actual sanctuary feels like a warehouse with its brick walls, complete lack of natural light, its Holiday Inn circa 1974 carpet, and flame retardant roof. A large sheet hung behind the pulpit with a strange empty box in the center illuminated by red lights. The chairs were the kind you might find in a convention center inside a Holiday Inn. Really, this church could save a ton of money by holding services at the Holiday Inn.
Creepy Glazed Eyes: t. When I created this category, I was envisioning a church just like Living Hope. People around me made me feel extremely uncomfortable throughout the service. It's hard to say exactly what I felt, but it mostly germinated from congregates eyes. There wasn't much behind the people's eyes here, or something in them that was quite different from what they were pretending to be. Kind of like how Hunter S. Thompson described people he saw gambling in Las Vegas as lizards when he was under the influence of drugs. Inside I was surrounded by fucking lizards pretending to worship a hippie named Jesus.
Hassled by Members: t. A few people have asked me if I've ever gotten hassled taking photos of the churches after the service, and until today, the answer was no. Typically, if there is no call to be paranoid, people generally aren't. But as I was taking the interior photo above, a man saddled over to me and asked, "do you mind me asking why you are taking photos?" It was clear to me that he was suspicious of me. I told him I thought the sanctuary was interesting. This lovely conversation went on for several minutes. Later, he followed me out to the parking lot and asked a ton of questions about what other churches I've attend and what I do in Colorado Springs. Worst case scenario: I was taking photos to case the church so I could come back later and steal the chairs and sheet draperies. Next worst case scenario: I was taking photos to accompany a scathing blog post about this crazy place. Maybe there was call to be paranoid. Another interesting fact: when I go to a service I take notes to remember what took place. Usually I feel awkward doing this, because no one else is. Not true at Living Hope. Everyone was taking notes and highlighting their bibles. I imagine most were writing things like, "Preacher says Isaiah illustrates the cycle of perpetual ruin" or some such nonsense like, "Remember self-flagillation tonight before bed."
Religious Time Management: t. The service started by recognizing a handful of the churchs' staff. This went on for way too long and consisted almost entirely of inside jokes. Nothing like inside jokes to make people feel welcome. The entire service with music was an hour and a half long, and I felt every minute of it.
Misinformation: t. Gibberish. I listened to an hour and a half of gibberish. It made my mind hurt trying to figure out what the minister was saying, because in the end, he was doing what politicians do: talk around things without saying anything. Nobody likes to seem stupid, and chances are most people attending thought they just "didn't get it". Not true; there was nothing to get. At one point the minister referenced the "royal diadem", which, in case you didn't know, is a type of crown worn by Eastern monarchs as a badge of royalty. If clarity was the aim, I think that term should have been defined. Churches are also one of the few institutions that can get away with telling people what things mean. If an English teacher told their high school students that Moby Dick is really a metaphor for the loss of innocence before they read the book, they would be chastised in a peer review. Metaphor is meant to be uncovered; the act empowers the reader. When you tell people what everything means you show your contempt for them because what you are really saying is, "let me tell you what this means because you are too stupid to figure it out on your own", or perhaps, "let me show you how clever I am because I figured this thing out." The minister in essence becomes the kid in your class that screamed out the solution to the riddle the teacher just posited. Other misinformation included a tirade about how God loves justice. Does he, or is he about unconditional love? Justice seems kind of petty for a cosmic metaphor of love. One thing that sounded truthful was when the minister talked about how much he liked the "Jesus as Shepard" analogy. Yes, I was in a room full of sheep following the Shepard, but as in another famous analogy, the loud talking sheep at the pulpit was quite certainly a wolf. The swatch wearing minister even brought himself to tears during the service when he dramatically whispered the idiom "God rejoices over you!" And the Oscar goes to: the wolf in sheeps' clothing!
Presence of God: t. God was so far from this service that his nose was bleeding as he sat shaking his head up in heaven. You could almost hear him say, "not quite folks!" If I had to sum up the service, I would say that Living Hope thinks Jesus is really really really really really awesome. I'm finding this thinking time and time again to be really ironic, as not a soul in the church would be able to stand Jesus if he knocked on their door and introduced himself as such. "Nice to meet you Jesus. Now this here is private property. Get your homeless ass off my porch before I fill you full of buckshot!" Additionally, lets take a minute to recognize how utterly creepy the music after the service was. I've mentioned before my distaste for raised hands during singing, and everyone here had hands up like they were being robbed. To make things even more bizarre, there was also weird chanting and religious gyration. The band had a drum, which in terms of religious music, I hate, and a saxophone, which at the time I didn't know that I hated, but now feel confident in saying that I hate. It was full on christian rock, which I hate. Here is a sample of the impassioned lyrics: "the Godhead, three in one, father, spirit, son, the lion and the lamb. The lion and the lamb."
Overall Inspiration (total score): -t. This church was the opposite of inspirational, which is to say I left today feeling uncomfortable and in a bad head space, so they get the first negative inspiration score. After the service, I really felt the need to do a healthy activity like reading or exercising to purge the negative energy that had accumulated in and around my soul. Ironically the minister said that members should carry themselves so people understand instantly that they and this church have the answer. Not only do they not have the answer, I'm pretty sure they thought the question was, "how many dragons can fit in a breadbox?" These are the people that give religion a bad name, because they are essentially religious used car salesmen that don't have even the remotest idea what God is about. Stay far away from Living Hope.
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